I need to draw shit. Like, make art, god damnit.

Move girl! MOVE!

Made some goddamn updates.

Ho hum. Not much to show in these past years. Maybe recent changes will keep me doodling more often.

(( Written on Sept. 02, 2008.))

I've had a lot of deep thoughts in my life. Moments where I just think intensely about the past, present and future, trying to understand and make sense of the things I feel. I had another one of those moments tonight and I decided to write them down, because I feel like I need to get them out of my system before they crush me.

One of the biggest things I was thinking about was the impact that Kyo has had on my life in the past few years. Yes, I do mean Kyo, vocalist of Dir en grey. I consider him to be one of my biggest heroes in life, simply because of what I have interpreted over the years from him. It doesn't matter if everything that I sense is untrue or just the misconceptions of a crazy fan trying to find a deep connection. What matters to me is what I feel and how I've perceived things.

Over the few short years I've had Dir en grey in my heart, I feel like I've felt the changes Kyo has gone through during his career and been able to see things shift.

In the beginning, his lyrics were poetic and driven by a more melodic expression of pain. It's true for the composition of music that the band put together as well as the lyrics that went along with those sounds. This held up through the first three albums, a span that reaches from 1997 to 2002, which is about the time that I came to find them influencing my life.

This was when change began, though. In 2002, the first real hints of a shift was in songs like Pink Killer, but I don't think anyone truly took notice of that change until the release of Obscure. It was the middle ground between the old and the new, I believe. A first look at change in not only the band but Kyo; lyrics and singing. Obscure, for me, was a change that I endeared. Looking back now, it was released during a shift that came in my life also and 3 years later, it became the stand point word of my own real change. In 2006, when I decided to renew everything and start fresh, Obscure was the word I chose to use and it was because of that song. As insane as that song is, it's less about the lyrics and more about what that song represented to me: The new.

I can't begin to explain what might have been going on in my mind at the time because I can't go back into time and pick apart my brain, but I listened to that song as I changed everything. I gave myself a different face plate and with that time, my whole world soon began a new chapter. It was the same as Kyo's own change three years prior to that.

After Obscure came the Final and that was the new. The release of Vulgar in 2003 was a shock to old Diru fans. Not only had their music changed, but Kyo's lyrics and the way he sang was so raw in comparison. It was different. Instead of that melodic pain, he expressed a different kind of anguish. Pain that entices anger and spirals together. Yet, still he held on to some of that poetic nature, even when the driving force of his words seemed to change in the background. None of us could possibly know what caused the change because we don't live his life... but I saw it and I sensed the difference. When I read his words then, I felt differently. When I listened to him sing, I could hear his expression and it was so much louder than before. Instead of telling a story that drifted through it's emotions, he was more direct about what he was saying. He expressed it sharply and less controlled.

With the release of Withering to Death, it rather felt like he was tired of trying so hard to get his words across in that poetic sense. He screamed instead. He said exactly what he felt in the most direct way possible and when he sang it, he was louder than ever. He screamed, he cried and he pushed out his expression with his voice, rather than focusing so much on trying to relay it through the choice of words. It was about then that I noticed the struggle in his voice too. To me, it was like a battle to express himself as much as he could before he was unable. I know that some of his struggle with notes he previously had no problem with, is likely due to years of abusing his vocal cords and the smoking, but that in itself, is a change that I sensed. This time, the pain he expressed was like pure anger and I don't know the real reason he might have been so angry, but I feel it whenever I listen to him. It was like hearing him screaming out against the fact that someday, he might not be able to scream anymore. His voice has changed and I'm positive that he knows and feels that too, so when I listen to so much anger in his words, I felt like I understood what he wanted to express, even if I don't really know the true reason.

Most recently, it's returned. That poetic nature has started to float back and intertwine itself with the new sound that the band developed. I'm glad to see that again and to hear his voice without so much anger in it, yet it still exists. Kyo can't sing without expressing some kind of pain. That's who he is and his entire career has been an expression of deep emotions that everyone feels. It seems to me that he's expressed a little of everything, but the strongest of them all is pain and every kind that could be. Pain caused by love, sorrow, depression, anger, abuse, loneliness, abandonment, mortality. So many different expressions that I can't even explain or list. He once said that he would never write a song with a happy ending and I firmly believe that he has held to that word, while still maintaining a certain glint of hope in some of his lyrics.

To me, hearing him has been one of the most intense influences in my life because I could feel what he tried to express without needing to understand words. His stage presence is insane and yes, he does awful things to himself, but when I watch him, all I can do is feel what he's doing and saying and screaming for people to understand. Every time he hurts himself, mockingly or quite truthfully, I feel like he's not expressing a desire to die or to mutilate himself. He's opening up his body and spilling out everything that has gathered up within. Things that he can't continue to contain because there's so much of it that he's drowning. Singing isn't enough anymore, as he struggles to hold on to his way of expression. It's like sensing that there is an end and it's as if I'm watching someone struggle against that. There's so much of a shadow that lingers over him and it's been there since the very beginning of his career, from the first song that they released to the most recent. It feels like he doesn't want to let go and he wont without a fight. Kyo doesn't give up and he doesn't listen to anyone. He makes a decision and he does things on his own terms and that's what he's doing now. He's refusing to just let go, even if it means he has to struggle to express himself.

He's my hero because I can sense all of that. I admire his ability to sing and to write. I admire the fact that he can endure himself.

I think it means so much to me because over the past two years, I've struggled with myself to express what I was feeling. It's like I can't get out what I really feel, no matter what I do and it's only myself that hinders it. I can't endure myself the way Kyo does, in fact, I avoid myself like a plague. I hate being alone because I can't stand thinking so deeply and having no one else to occupy my mind on. The ironic thing is? Kyo has said numerous times that he hates to be alone and when a tour ends and he has to separate himself from his band mates, he doesn't like it. I understand that. You don't need to be in a band or famous to understand the idea of loneliness and not wanting to feel it, nor do I feel like anyone should harshly judge a person who feels that way just because they ARE famous. I understand the idea of being lonely even when thousands upon millions of people idolize you all around the world. I may not have been in that situation before but that doesn't mean I can't understand the idea of it.

I guess I've just connected a lot with Kyo without needing to know him personally. I'm envious of his ability to express himself but I also admire it. Over these last two years, I feel like I've been drowning in my own emotions and thoughts, without being able to push them out. Not everything, but it's only small drops of my feelings that really get leaked out and that small salvation from myself has come from Justin. Whether it's actually talking to him about things or it's writing in the journals, but even those have stopped. I haven't written anything in the journals for a while now and I can't figure out why. I suppose it's because my feelings don't linger so much now about him as they do on other things. It just feels like another way of expression has been silenced and it kills me. I feel like I need an outlet that I already have, but it's behind a door I can't seem to get through. Sometimes, there's so much going on in my mind without being channeled into something that all I can do is uselessly cry for hours and sleep. When I wake up, my mind has pushed it back and I forget for a while, distract myself, but then it comes back not so long after. I'm not really getting anywhere and it's felt that way since I moved out.

It's strange because I'm happier now than I ever was in the past, yet there's so much more in my mind that I need to express. As I've gotten older, I've realized the smallest things about the past that have effected me on such a grand scale as I was growing up. Stupid little things that you forget for years and then when you remember them suddenly, it's almost mind blowing how much it still hurts. Tiny words that left huge scars. A laugh that cuts so deep that it makes you feel pointless. Touches that burn through you. I remember the things and the people that have made the biggest impact in my life, good and bad. Now that I'm older, I can see the difference they made in who I have become. Some of it makes me so angry but I can't tell whether or not it's at myself for allowing it to affect me so much, or at them for not realizing what they really were doing in the first place. It's that kind of anger I wish I could express and I can't seem to push it out. It's stuck inside of me and I just feel like I'm struggling to find a way to let it out.

So when I see someone like Kyo, trying so hard to push out what he deeply needs to express, It leaves such a huge impact when it slams into me. Maybe some people would think he's an awful role model for the things he's done and how miserable some people might think he is, but I have never really thought he was unhappy. In fact, I imagine that he finds some kind of salvation in being able to express all the miserable things that might be in his mind and that makes him happy. When you see Kyo, just being Kyo, not on stage and not putting on a performance, I don't see any miserable at all. I would love to be able to express myself the way he can and touch just one person the same way that he effected me. It's what I want to strive for. To make an impact on maybe a handful of people and change my life by simply expressing everything I have within me. There's just so much of it.

And actually, I really want to thank anyone who sits and reads all of this. It helps me feel better knowing someone takes the time to stop and listen.

I miss you so bad~

Roleplay, I mean. I miss it terribly. Like a coke addict fiends, I miss it. It just never seems to want to come back into my life. You know what the problem is? I need new friends... and I need to start doing art again.
Art attracts roleplay. Always. They go together like peas. Like PB and J. Like Gay men and lube.

Why is it so much to ask for a literate roleplay partner? Someone I can be friends with, and roleplay with, and actually get to talk to about my interests. Maybe I need to stop playing WoW so much, or something.

And no, I can't find it in WoW... not on my server, and I refuse to switch servers again. I'm happy where I'm at, even if it doesn't feed that addiction to literate writing.

Lonely~ I am so looonely~

Oh, but the rest of my life is "fine." I lost my job at random, and I'm struggling to find another. I'm a loser with no post-high school education so it's difficult to find what I WANT. But I'm still alive, and I'm in...mostly good health. So, I'm fine. I'll get through these hard times and kick them in the ass. Surely.

I actually have a few things I need to update with. I'm just lazy about scanning. Maybe tonight, now that I think about it...and I have time.

Rar.

Where oh where has my creativity gone?

Where are my emotions? Did Justin eat them?

I think he ate them.